Looking Back

This past week has had me thinking, a lot. In the middle of a roller-coaster-of-a-week, I was lamenting to Patrick about how I feel like I'm getting weaker & weaker when trials come.  Seemingly so much had been dumped on us that weekend and life was feeling like a whirlwind of negatives. Things started looking up on Monday, but crashed hard again the next day. After coming home from work early due to bursting into tears in front of my bosses, I was there sobbing in Patrick's arms and wondering if I would actually make it through the day, let alone the rest of the week. As he assured me that though I am weak I am definitely becoming stronger through every challenge, I doubted. Still, he told me simply that he wished I could see myself and watch my own progress month to month. In my moment of grief, I didn't want to look back at my previous self, from even just a month before, but as the day ended and I went back to work the next morning, I smiled and shook off the previous few days' frustrations. Now it's Saturday evening and I have all but forgotten the reasons for the tears earlier on in the week. I grinned at Patrick today and told him that I bounced back really fast this time, and next time will be even faster. Each difficulty gets more difficult, but the strength & wisdom I find after it all increases every time. How grateful I am to have been given the gift of agency to help me learn & grow as I go through my life. I make mistakes over & over & over again, and sometimes things happen that I just can't control, but as I allow these things to mold & refine me, I look in the mirror after it all and see a different woman. Still Shaylee Ann, still short, thin & blue-eyed; but stronger, wiser, filled with greater understanding, more patience. It is incredible to see at the end of each struggle what I believe God saw from the beginning. We all have such incredible potential, and these challenges that we face bring that to our attention, albeit in a way that we would rather not see at first. Recognizing what the Lord can do through each of this is such a powerful thing.
Facebook has this new (or maybe old and I just missed it) feature where it notifies you of your past "memories". Today, mine is three posts from two years ago all related to our first pregnancy loss. Instead of crying or sighing in pain, I genuinely smiled when I saw those posts. To look back at my words from two years ago and see how much I have accomplished, how strong I have become, filled me with increased hope. Two years ago, before we lost our first baby, I never could have imagined my life the way that it is now; but at this moment, remembering all that two & a half years of marriage has brought, I can honestly say that I wouldn't change anything. As difficult & confusing as my days since then have been, they have brought more good than I dreamed of before. I am truly so happy where I am right now; content to be working full-time, living in a little house, creating my own business, waiting for Patrick to graduate & for children to join our family.
I was given some wise counsel this past week and I'll pass it on to all of you: focus on the things that you can control and leave the rest up to God. Simple & obvious? Yes. Maybe you're laughing or rolling your eyes as you read this. Maybe you already get that. For me, it was one of those things that was said over and over in different ways until one day someone said it like that and it hit me hard. I can't force any of my dreams, but I can work as hard as possible and then wait for the hand of the Lord to complete them. We can all create our own happiness, regardless of what is going on around us. We're meant to find joy despite the afflictions of life, as I tell myself constantly but still forget at times. Look back at your life and mark how many, many times the hand of God has been in your life, seen as well as unseen. You can't count those times. They are immeasurable. Every day, every moment even, the Lord is teaching us & leading us to greater happiness, greater life experiences. Sometimes I honestly wonder why God hasn't given up on me yet; I must me so hard to teach! He doesn't care though, or rather, He does care a great deal. He continues to allow me to learn, with an infinite amount of patience. I am eternally grateful for a Father in Heaven who trusts His children enough to basically let us have free-reign on this earth while we stumble along the path back to Him. I can never repay Him & my Savior for it all, but I strive to live a life that will be pleasing to Them.   Thank you to all of you who have helped & continue to help me along my personal journey. You have no idea how much I look up to & appreciate you. God bless you all, 

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