My dear friend over at {The Official Blog of Me} - sorry, it's open to only those who have an invite - came up with this brilliant list of rules for drivers, and potential drivers. These rules seriously changed my life:
Do not drive while under the influence, as it is very influential.
Do not intentionally encourage dangerous ‘accidents’. In this case, the behavior is no longer accidental, and you are considered a menace to the road.
Hit a pedestrian, change a life. Hit many pedestrians, change a city.
Hit a stop sign, change a stop sign. Hit many stop signs, change a public thoroughfare.
Hit a Wal-Mart, change a shopping center. Hit many Wal-Marts, change a monopoly.
A flashing red light is unusual. A flashing flash light is not.
Tailgating is not an option, unless you consider yourself to be one of the minority who (a) are excellent drivers with excellent brakes, (b) are, at any given time, unable to properly judge distances, or (c) are simply very good at what they do – specifically, hit and run.
The proper way to exit a parking garage is with the fewest number of casualties.
If you have a tendency to hyperventilate and/or salivate at the sight of stop signs, it is inadvisable for you to drive a vehicle.
Do not be afraid of police officers unless they come within forty yards of you. At this point, you should turn on your headlights and prepare to accelerate.
If you have a bone to pick, do so in the safety and comfort of your home. Do not use disgusting mouth implements on a public thoroughfare.
In the unlikely event that you find yourself in a trunk of a vehicle, in the kidnapped position, cautiously kick out the taillights of the vehicle and signal for helpful help. Do not, however, neglect to leave your name, number, and insurance information in a prominent location so they can repair the damaged vehicle.
Exercise caution while exercising your motor vehicle.
If you encounter road rage, either in yourself or in others, do not fear. Simply remove the object creating such feelings of rage and drive on.
If your vehicle spontaneously combusts, due to uncertain weather conditions, it is advisable to stop, drop, and roll your body onto a crosswalk, where you may rest in peace while you wait for assistance.
Driving is a privilege, not an amusement. As such, do not be amused by the frantic actions of those trying to avoid you and your newly acquired driving skills.
Do not apply any substance to your eyelashes while driving. Likewise, refrain from moving your fingers over a cell phone keyboard or your eyes over a highly intriguing page of words. These behaviors are potentially unfair, as they create an inferiority complex for the general public, which can’t generally multitask in such a fashion. (This aforementioned complex is rather complex, and is discussed in greater detail below.)
If you find yourself among the ranks of the inferior, do not hesitate to (a) give up your license, as you are a potential menace to the road, (b) give up your delusions of potential grandeur, as they are wholly delusional, or (c) give up the ghost.
Do not intentionally encourage dangerous ‘accidents’. In this case, the behavior is no longer accidental, and you are considered a menace to the road.
Hit a pedestrian, change a life. Hit many pedestrians, change a city.
Hit a stop sign, change a stop sign. Hit many stop signs, change a public thoroughfare.
Hit a Wal-Mart, change a shopping center. Hit many Wal-Marts, change a monopoly.
A flashing red light is unusual. A flashing flash light is not.
Tailgating is not an option, unless you consider yourself to be one of the minority who (a) are excellent drivers with excellent brakes, (b) are, at any given time, unable to properly judge distances, or (c) are simply very good at what they do – specifically, hit and run.
The proper way to exit a parking garage is with the fewest number of casualties.
If you have a tendency to hyperventilate and/or salivate at the sight of stop signs, it is inadvisable for you to drive a vehicle.
Do not be afraid of police officers unless they come within forty yards of you. At this point, you should turn on your headlights and prepare to accelerate.
If you have a bone to pick, do so in the safety and comfort of your home. Do not use disgusting mouth implements on a public thoroughfare.
In the unlikely event that you find yourself in a trunk of a vehicle, in the kidnapped position, cautiously kick out the taillights of the vehicle and signal for helpful help. Do not, however, neglect to leave your name, number, and insurance information in a prominent location so they can repair the damaged vehicle.
Exercise caution while exercising your motor vehicle.
If you encounter road rage, either in yourself or in others, do not fear. Simply remove the object creating such feelings of rage and drive on.
If your vehicle spontaneously combusts, due to uncertain weather conditions, it is advisable to stop, drop, and roll your body onto a crosswalk, where you may rest in peace while you wait for assistance.
Driving is a privilege, not an amusement. As such, do not be amused by the frantic actions of those trying to avoid you and your newly acquired driving skills.
Do not apply any substance to your eyelashes while driving. Likewise, refrain from moving your fingers over a cell phone keyboard or your eyes over a highly intriguing page of words. These behaviors are potentially unfair, as they create an inferiority complex for the general public, which can’t generally multitask in such a fashion. (This aforementioned complex is rather complex, and is discussed in greater detail below.)
If you find yourself among the ranks of the inferior, do not hesitate to (a) give up your license, as you are a potential menace to the road, (b) give up your delusions of potential grandeur, as they are wholly delusional, or (c) give up the ghost.
I like. I wonder if that was written by someone that had a terrible traffic record? Hmmmmmm.
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